The bar for being a good parent is too often set far higher for mothers than it is for fathers. And when this happens in the Family Court, women are demonised, criminalised and re-traumatised – all the while being held to account for the actions of their abusive partner. A new report from the organisation Right to Equality has found concerning evidence of victim-blaming in the family courts – often directed towards mothers. Indeed, it states that 72.5% of 91 judgments in England and Wales contained judicial victim-blaming, with mothers scrutinised more intensely than fathers.
This is something my colleagues and I see on a daily basis through our work in our National Specialist Family Service based in Sheffield, and in our women-only services. As a charity, Phoenix Futures exists to support people experiencing drug and alcohol problems through a range of residential and community-based interventions. In our family and women’s services, we overwhelmingly support women who have turned to drugs and alcohol following intense trauma – most often domestic abuse. And a key part of our role is advocating for a fair outcome for the women we support.
Sadly, a common response to vulnerable women like this – women who are doing everything they can to survive (which yes, often includes numbing their pain) is to remove their children before they are given appropriate support.
We’ve seen women, who we have encouraged to be honest and open for the benefit of their recovery, have that honesty used against them. They inform somebody, for the safety of themselves and their child, that there has been contact with their abuser (often the father of their children) and the response is to blame them for not keeping their children safe.
We’ve also seen women brave enough to ask for help for their drug and alcohol problems and, in admitting that there is a problem, once again, they fear for the removal of their children – even though they are taking a significantly positive step towards recovery by entering a residential rehab programme.
We know, however, that where families can access appropriate support, children do better when they remain with their mother. We also know that being placed into care can negatively affect health, wellbeing and educational outcomes for many looked-after children. But sadly, according to the NSPCC, there has been an 8% increase of children in care across the whole of the UK over the last five years. Could the gender bias and victim-blaming the report talks about have a part to play in this?
That’s why we advocate for women to be admitted into residential rehab with their children. It may sound controversial at first, but this is a tried and tested intervention that works in partnership with local schools, health professionals and social services. Our National Specialist Family Service, for example, doesn’t exist to simply help parents to detox and remain drug and alcohol free, it supports them in sustaining that wellbeing, in developing parenting skills and in caring for their child in a safe and happy space. In the case of domestic abuse, we work closely with the national charity IDAS (Independent Domestic Abuse Services) and provide specialist interventions including the Me and You Mum programme. The service also supports the children with psychological support, an OFSTED
registered ‘Outstanding’ nursery and a safe environment in which to play and interact socially.
Too often women are failed to be protected from their abuser in the court system (we can see in the Right to Equality report evidence of discrediting victims and trivialising their experiences). They are expected to keep their children safe from their father - even though they are also the victim. So they are punished through child removal, meaning they also lose access to our whole-family recovery pathway.
We know that women are at the highest risk when ending an abusive relationship, yet often mothers are asked to make instant decisions to leave, and sufficient safeguards are not put in place for her to feel safe enough to do so. If she does not instantly make this decision, it is deemed that she is not keeping her child safe.
I saw one mother have her children remove because of two telephone contacts with the abusive father. He was coercive, threatening and using the contact that he initiated against her, so the fact that she felt able to tell us was a really positive step. Sadly, it was decided that she wasn’t keeping her children safe by having these two telephone contacts with their father. Subsequently, she had her children removed. She was trying to do the right thing in an incredibly traumatising and frightening situation, and it went against her.
What’s so upsetting here is that she was doing so well, responding to treatment, caring for her child and successfully completing the domestic abuse programmes she was on.
To make matters worse, when going to court, the perpetrator is often present, whether that be in person or by video link, which puts women on the backfoot, again making them fear for their safety. Women are then unable to be completely honest as they don’t want their abuser to know everything they have said about the situation. Past experience tells them that if they upset their abuser, it will again compromise the safety of their children and, of course, of themselves.
It is undoubtedly paramount to keep children safe. All too often the mother, who is herself a victim, is side-lined and, worse still, blamed for the actions of her abusive partner. With separation causing distress for the whole family, it’s clear that the victim-blaming of mothers also harms the children.
We should never forget about women’s safety – both physical and psychological – during court proceedings. But at present, and as we have seen evidence of in this new report, abused women are being forgotten about and scape goated. The only way we can change this is by challenging and dismantling structures with inbuilt misogynistic attitudes and stigma through, as the report recommends, training, transparency and advocacy.
Let’s stop asking the most vulnerable women in our society to engage in systems perfectly and without fault – systems that most professionals would struggle to navigate.
Full piece in Metro: ‘I was coerced into living on my abuser’s drive: The judge didn’t believe me’ | Metro News
