Loving somebody who is struggling with substance use can feel distressing, traumatising and, due to the stigma surrounding the problem, it is often a very lonely and isolating experience, too. When you’re in this situation it’s easy to focus all your time and energy on your loved one and their problems, however, re-focusing on your own wellbeing, and learning new skills and techniques to more comfortably manage the situation can result in improved outcomes for the whole family.

In our North Lanarkshire Family Service, we’ve seen relatives who have had to retire early due to poor mental health, who have lost their friends and any sense of a social life, and who have had difficulty concentrating on their job, career or other family members because of the chaos and distress in the home. Sadly, we have also seen relatives grieving when they have lost their loved one to substance use.

These experiences are incredibly difficult to deal with alone, which is why we offer a range of therapies and support services including one-to-one sessions, peer support groups and CRAFT (Community Resilience and Family Training) sessions that are designed to help you develop new skills and tools to manage the situation – and improve your wellbeing at the same time.

Peer support is invaluable for most people who find themselves in this situation, as isolation and loneliness is a significant problem faced by many family members. Meeting others who know how you feel and what you’re going through helps you not only feel less alone, but less ashamed and better supported. It’s also just sometimes good to be able to get things off your chest and to build new social networks.

Of course, many family members feel guilty focusing on themselves – they see their role as carer and place all of their attention on their loved one with the substance use problem. But, as safety rules have long dictated, you must put your own life jacket on first if you want to be of help to others. So overcoming this guilt and finding time for yourself isn’t a selfish act – if you’re resilient, supported and informed, you’re better equipped to help your loved one (and remember, you deserve that support too, because it really isn’t easy).

The evidence-based CRAFT approach that we use helps family members to communicate more positively at home and to understand more about the situation. For example, managing expectations and understanding the difference between a lapse and a relapse – and knowing that both are often a part of the recovery journey – can be empowering. As can learning new perspectives, for example finding the positives in your loved ones behaviour or actions, however, small, can greatly improve your relationship and help you both on the road to recovery.

It also teaches you to ask more questions and make less assumptions – like asking what it is that your loved one is getting from their substance use and what they need support with.

Additionally, we know that family members struggle with the lies that so often come with problematic substance use, but that it is also often hard to hear the truth, because it is sometimes something we don’t want to hear. Learning how to respond more positively when a loved one is trying to be honest can significantly help the situation, the relationship and the road to recovery. There’s the old saying – secrets keep people sick – so honesty must be encouraged and, when it does come out, how we respond is important for all involved.

Family services like Phoenix Futures’ North Lanarkshire service are supportive and non-judgmental. Peers and staff understand if the crises at home mean you might miss a session, and this non-judgmental environment helps you to be more honest and open too, which always comes as a relief after so long trying to hide the problem from others. So combining the CRAFT learning with impactful peer support really is invaluable and impactful

But remember, it’s important not to put too much pressure on yourself. Even if your loved one finds recovery, it can take much longer for you to overcome the distress and trauma the active drug and alcohol use created. When their recovery begins, it’s only the start of the journey. And family services are there for you for as long as you need them.