When alcohol took my son from me, a bereavement group helped me piece my life back together.
When my son landed on my doorstep in 2016 I didn’t even recognise him. He looked dirty, dishevelled and unshaven, and I knew he needed help. I got him in, got him showered and let him move back in with me. He was in his 40s at that point.
He’d obviously been drinking for a substantial amount of time and I wanted to help him get back on the straight and narrow. But it didn’t last very long.
I used to say that the only person he didn’t mind paying was a barman. He never had money for bills or expenses, but he always had money for alcohol. He wasn’t working when he moved back in because he wasn’t fit to work.
It was very hard living with my son when he was drinking. Sometimes I felt frightened, because he could be very obnoxious and rude, and that wasn’t the real him. It was hard watching him because on the one hand he was my son, that little boy I brought up, but on the other he was this person that I didn’t like and that’s a really hard thing to come to terms with.
He would occasionally stop drinking for a few days, and during that time he rallied and he was like the son I knew again. It just never lasted. As difficult as it was, I kept it all private, keeping the truth away from family and neighbours because I didn’t want other people to see him in a bad light. My daughter knew, though, and she was a real help.
When you care for someone with an alcohol problem you feel helpless, as though there’s nothing you can do or say. And there’s no sense to it.
In the midst of it all, I found it really hard to see the positives in him. In fact, it wasn’t until after he passed that I realised just how much he did do to help me around the house. He was a trained chef and he used to cook all of the meals, keep the garden tidy, sort my medication and carry things up the stairs for me when I struggled with my mobility. I feel sad that I didn’t appreciate him for the good things he did when he was alive.
It was really hard living with him. If he wasn’t drinking I was waiting for it to start, and when he was I was just waiting for it to stop. He would often be ill, and I was clearing that up and still trying to hide it all from everyone else.
It wasn’t until a few years ago that someone I knew how told me about Phoenix Futures family service so I went along to find support and guidance because I didn’t know what I was doing or whether what I was doing was right. My mental health was absolutely terrible. I just couldn’t really think any further than the moment. I was always on edge.
It was only when I went along to the service that I learnt about the risks of somebody with an alcohol dependency suddenly stopping drinking. I had no idea at that time that it could kill you. I knew then that he had to come off it slowly. It was also good to meet other families who were experiencing similar situations and feeling as helpless as I did. I also accessed one to one counselling. Of course nothing could fix the problem, but it could help me cope better with it all and just getting things off my chest was so important.
It's almost two years now since my son passed. It was late one night when he was feeling unwell and I called an ambulance. Sadly, he didn’t make it.
And that was it. He was just gone.
Worse still, I was told that they didn’t know the exact cause of death – and I’m still waiting for the registrar to contact me about this. I just feel as if that chapter hasn’t closed yet. All the paperwork around his death is still all sitting in an enveloped and I can’t file it away because I’m still waiting for the last piece.
I’ve since been attending Phoenix Futures bereavement group that we renamed to the ‘Remembering With Love’ group. It’s really turned things around for me. Just being able to talk to others and reflect on the positives of the time we had with our loved ones has been so important. We’re now able to remember them as the people the really were. Being able to find the positives has been really good for my own mental health.
I’m still very sad about the life my son has missed out on. I go on holiday with my daughter and my grandkids and I’m sad he can’t share those experiences with us.
I felt a lot of guilt for years but since attending the group I’ve been able to put things into perspective and stop doubting myself. I now know I did what I could. And that changes so much.
